What If?

People tell me I’m strong, but I often don’t feel like it. I haven’t gone down clearly awful paths or gotten involved with the wrong people as a way of coping, but those are the things that are actually visible. They can’t see what goes on inside my head. I’m not going to be dramatic and act as though my mind is one giant mess, because half of the time it’s not. It’s either relatively calm or it just won’t stop throwing fear after fear at me. Thoughts come and go, but it’s the ones that stick around that scare me. My temptations and haunting fears make me want to just stop thinking for a second. I find encouragement in people telling me I’m strong, I really do, but what actually hurts is knowing they don’t know everything else going on both in my life and in my head. The most difficult struggles are the ones people fail to explain because it’s all occurring within their mind. Sometimes our mental state can be made evident through our actions or lifestyle, but other times it all stays contained in our head. I have friends and family who I’m comfortable talking about things with, but I have thoughts and fears that enter my mind, and I hate them so much I can’t bear to even write them down, although I’m its only reader. They terrify me, because how many thoughts often lead to action? What if these do? What if I’m not strong enough, despite people’s beliefs? Since they’re all blind to the truth, maybe I am too. People guide me through the thoughts I share. They help me filter them out by telling me which ones are logical and which are not. They tell me which ones are smart and which ones are dumb (most are dumb). But they can’t filter through them all. I have to do that. I have to use my own discernment, and that thought alone terrifies me. What if I disregard one fear as illegitimate, but then the fear becomes true and it hits me even harder than it would have otherwise? What if I’m not as strong as people think? What if everyone’s wrong about their perceptions of me, including myself? What if I make this decision? I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, but do I care? Of course I do, but what if I do it anyway? What if? What if? What if? One of my biggest weaknesses is that I cannot let my thoughts just be thoughts. They have to be something more.

I overthink things far too much and I am often paranoid. I analyze conversations, trying to find some deeper meaning behind words when there is none. I assume that if someone doesn’t reply immediately, I’ve said something wrong or they simply hate me now, and then I hate myself for thinking that because I know it’s not true and that there’s no logical basis behind it. I hear bits of information and jump to conclusions about them, which then puts me in an even deeper state of fear. Half the time I don’t act on these fears, the other half I do. Both sides don’t work out too well. I once suspected someone took a sentimental necklace from me and I was devastated. I assumed the worst, and was so enraged I wanted to the confront the person, saying, “Where’s my necklace?” Two weeks later, I found it in the crack of my bed. Every day since, I’ve been glad I didn’t act on my inclinations. But there are times where I do need to act, and I don’t. And then times I do act when it’s obvious I shouldn’t. I’m not strong. Sure, I’m still breathing, but what kind of strength is that? I’m alive, but I’m weak. There are so many ways I could be weaker, so in that sense I guess I’m “strong,” but there are far too many areas people don’t see me being weak, and so they assume I’m strong. So, a little PSA: I’m not as strong as you think, and we’re all probably not either.

The only cause for strength I have or reason I’ve been able to make decisions for the betterment of myself is because of God. As I mentioned, people say that, but I am confused as to why. I look at my life, and anything that is essentially good is a gift from God and not from my own strength or doing. The only reason things are okay on the outside is because God is working in me on the inside. He blesses me with people who make it easy for me to be strong, to where I have no need to fight. He gives me strength to know my sin and to turn from it. He gives me strength to trust in Him. He gives me strength to discern what fears are illogical, and which ones I need to bring to Him. He gives me strength.