Okay

A classic conversation starter is, “Hi, how are you?” Too often, I don’t answer this honestly, and I think this is everyone’s tendency. There are times when I’m happy and in the mood to talk with people and so answer honestly in saying “I’m great!” Other times, I want to finish the small talk and move on with my day, not caring how I answer an insignificant question. But when I feel like I’m torn down, and decide to answer people with “I’m good, how are you?”, not only am I lying to them, but I’m lying to myself. When I’m miserable, it’s not when I’m around the people I love and am at peace with. Or, if I am unhappy, it’s not because of them, but rather something distant going on that I’m allowing to consume my mind as I also try to enjoy the company of people. But otherwise, I’m always in the best mood around my people. I fully embrace them and converse with them, appreciating their existence and having the opportunity to be with them. If I’m really not okay, and my mind is going wild, I often don’t tell them for fear of them not caring or caring too much. I tend to grow quiet, and ease myself out of the conversation, letting everyone else take over.

I’ve written briefly on the five year anniversary of my mom’s death. Many things occurred that day and I hope to write about it more in depth, but for the sake of this post I will write about the following. The entire day was emotionally exhausting, and at the end of it all my church hosted their annual Christmas Concert. I wanted to be reminded of the gift of Jesus, but instead was reminded of everything that happened years before. I honestly cannot remember if I cried or held it together throughout the performance, perhaps it was because I had already let it all out. Afterwards, they held a light reception. I was one of the first people in the room and was immediately drawn to the outer walls, not wanting to talk with anyone who would disturb me. My friend saw me across the room and began to walk towards me. I saw him and was reminded of his and his family’s sacrificial love towards me and my family throughout the last five years. Memories flashed through my mind and tears filled my eyes thinking of how incredibly blessed I was to have them in my life. As he drew closer, I quickly recomposed myself and told myself to calm down and not cry in front of the people now flooding through the doors. He stood by me, joining me in my people watching and asked how I was. He knew the situation, he was there when she was passed. He cared. This was the first time I realized I didn’t need to pretend I was good if I wasn’t. I sat there for a moment, thinking of how to answer, and simply said, “Not great.” He glanced at me and asked, “Are you going to be okay though?” Another long pause. This time, not for contemplating what to say, but trying to hold back the tears that came upon my initial thought to the question. I answered truthfully again and said, “I hope so.”

We have this idea put into our heads that we’re not allowed to be anything less than good or happy. That we must stay calm and composed, with a smile on our face and laughter in our eyes, as if nothing’s wrong. We’re terrified that if we tell someone we’re not okay, that it will ruin what we had going, that they simply won’t care or that the moment will be ruined by them caring too much.

The people who either care enough or perhaps too much are the people who really matter. The people who either share the same sentiment or the people who love you enough to identify with what you’re feeling and who at least try to understand.

Those who simply don’t care about your mental well-being are the people who either once cared and drifted away, remaining distant but never truly leaving, or the people who have pretended to care in the past just to keep the benefits of being your friend, to make sure you’ll still do them favors, laugh with them, and to rant to just for the sake of ranting. These are the people who are reluctant to acknowledge the bad just to continue indulging in the good. These are the people who simply don’t care if you’re okay or who strive to make you better.

Pretending you’re okay is exhausting. The only way to know who cares for you and who doesn’t is to simply tell them when you’re not okay. If they don’t care, you’ll gain the understanding of where your relationship stands. If they do care then there’s no reason to regret it. They’re always going to think you’re okay if you’re only okay around them. Once you finally let people in, so many walls that you had built up for yourself are torn down, and you can fully embrace them like you’ve never been able to. If you don’t open up and admit your feelings, they’ll eventually become so great in number that they cannot stay contained within you or bear the pressure, and you’re going to explode. You have to use the freedom you have to express your feelings in moderation. Whether that be through art, writing, dancing, music, or talking to a friend, they’re all ways in which you can help yourself. Please don’t take my previous story as the only legitimate reason to not be okay. There are countless reasons for why you may not be stable, but in no way do I wish to give the impression that you have to have lost someone to death in order to be justified in your feelings. Neither am I saying you need to open up about how you’re truly feeling to any person who asks you the time of day. Figure out who matters and who believes you matter, and you won’t be disappointed. The joy and connection you feel with someone upon opening up is far greater than the fear that holds you back from saying something. All you have to do is speak up. It’s okay to not be okay.