Hello, World!

I tend to be hesitant in opening up to people I have yet to trust. I’ve never understood why. Maybe because of low self-esteem, or because of previous betrayal, but the most persistent cause is simply because I’m scared. As I write this, I’m scared all people will think is that I’m wasting my time pursuing this, or they’re wasting theirs by reading it. I’m not going to be offended if you don’t like something I’ve written, because I’m sure half of what I write I won’t like. Ultimately, anything I say needs to be glorifying to God and to point to Him. But following that, I want it to help me. It’s okay if not everything is beneficial or enjoyable for you, but I don’t want it to just be pleasing to the eye or the reader. My biggest fear in sharing my life is people judging harshly and me losing sight of the entire point of why I’m sharing what I am.

Ever since I was nine years old, I’ve been constantly been going through something. There are periods of time where I can catch my breath and evaluate everything that happened, but there have been many days where I’ve woken up and thought, “Okay, what’s gonna happen this time?” Not only that, but I often hated going to sleep because it was a time for me to be alone with my thoughts and without distractions. Although this may be pleasant for some people, it was like a nightmare because I would just think of everything going wrong and the few ways in which it could be worse. Thankfully, as of now, that’s not the case, but I know it won’t always be. There are going to be days where I won’t want to get out of bed, there will be days where I will cry off and on again all day. There will be days where the pain I felt three years ago will come flooding back to attack at the most inopportune moments. Previous pain lurks, but is not afraid to make itself known.

I know I’m not alone in this though. We’re all going through something. Some are going through what feels like hell, others have come out of it into sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes we travel through these things alone, and soon come to learn we hate making the journey on our own. We long for the day the darkness comes to an end. Once the light comes, we’re blinded and overfilled with joy. We become surrounded by the things we forgot we loved. People are there. There’s conversation, music, and laughter. Our only lasting fear is the day the darkness falls again and it’s all taken away. We all long for the day we’ve finished going through something and become consumed by the place that doesn’t need a sun to illuminate its streets. Where there are no shadows, tears, or pain. Where music and laughter reign free, with no end to take them over.

We all long for this light that we often forget to be a light to others. My hope is that I can be a light to you and possibly provoke you to think about things that are truly important. I’ve dealt (and am still dealing with) the loss of family members: my mother, sister, and grandfather. I’ve moved twice, once at eight years old and again at fifteen. I’ve dealt with anxiety and am often in a depressed mood, although neither have been diagnosed. My favorite humans on this earth are my siblings, and have been through most of the things I have and I could not be more thankful for their companionship. I have a (possibly) unhealthy passion playing, singing, and listening to music. I’m continually learning what things are important and worth fighting for and what things I need to let go. I am convicted that the lives of the unborn must be protected, and that the women carrying their children must be given other options than to kill their babies. My siblings are the people who I care most for and who understand what I’ve dealt with, but the difference between us is in how we chose to deal with what’s been thrown our way. You may not have experienced a single thing I’ve listed, but I can guarantee you that the way you chose to deal with something will overlap with what I decided to do as well, wise or not. I hope I can aid you in understanding more of you who are and who God is and continues to be in those situations, both the good and bad. Although this isn’t even half the list, I hope I can use my past to guide you in keeping your eyes set on the things that truly matter and influence you to do all for the glory of God.